Some of the health problems I’m currently struggling with are short term memory loss, brain fog, and word retrieval trouble. More often than not these days I feel like there’s a noise machine in my mind cancelling out all other sounds or thoughts. It makes following conversations difficult and nodding-and-smiling to everything isn’t a great solution when you’re not sure where the discussion currently is on the gravitas scale from “we had spaghetti at our house three times last week” to “…and the killer is still at large.”
It also makes it tough to do basic things. Like finish sentences I’ve started. Or read books. Or recall ideas. Or remember what that awesome recipe I made in that dream I had last night was. Sautéed brussel sprouts with sliced pancetta and lychee? That doesn’t sound right.
Basically, retaining information is rough. It’s like having a black hole where your cognition machine should be churning. A cog loose? Try twelve missing gears and a skipped oil change.
Coupled with focus issues is the underlying loneliness and exhaustion. I find myself unable to wake up in the mornings. And feeling like I can’t follow conversations well makes being out around other people overwhelming. Sometimes just talking is difficult. Not being able to trust my own brain makes me want to live in pajama land forever.
Perhaps this is all more than I should share, but I’m starting to think that perhaps one of the best ways to return to myself and find inspiration again is to be honest for a bit and not hold all of the conversations in my head. One of the reasons I’d felt I’d lost my ability to write for in the cactus garden was because I had written myself into a caricature of who I actually am. Someone who was removed from the words I was writing, who was trying too hard to be impartial or prevent life realities from seeping online.
So when the rain started, my cardboard self started to wilt.
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